We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
