then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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