Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
