he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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