You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
