How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
