she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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