I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
