my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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