either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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