You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
