I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
