I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
