oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
