When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
