shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize