We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
