All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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