my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
