I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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