and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
