watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
