If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
