My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
