This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
