There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
