Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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