My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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