How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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