i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
