When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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