my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
