I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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