I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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