Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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