hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
