I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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