Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
