her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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