Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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