I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
