Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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