If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
