i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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