my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
