He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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