I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
