I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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