Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
