Christians are straight up FREAKS
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
