woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
