i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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