Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
