Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
