Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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