I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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