Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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