you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My ass is underappreciated
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
