I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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